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Bradley Cooper gets love advice from Julia Roberts on a plane. Taylor Swift snogs Taylor Lautner. Anne Hathaway cavorts in bed with a Polaroid camera and … Topher Grace?
No, it’s not the week’s gossip, it’s the mother of all romantic comedies.
“Valentine’s Day” hits theaters Friday, and it features everyone who’s ever tried to teach us a lesson about love. You’ve got Pretty Woman, Doctors McDreamy and McSteamy, Jacob Black, Mary Camden, even the Queen (Latifah, not Elizabeth).
The actors might have their relationship problems in real life. (Some of them even seem doomed.) But on screen, they are love gurus. They are the ones who must share with us Hollywood’s infinite wisdom about romance.
So before you dive into the latest lesson, let’s look at what we’ve learned already. There are 12 universal romantic comedy truths. And only two have to do with Hugh Grant.
Jennifer Garner and Ashton Kutcher in 'Valentine's Day.' Romantic comedies offer some hard and fast rules about love
RULE 1: Zany adventures are the best place to find love.
Are you investigating a madcap crime? Are you stuck on an airplane or ship? Are you members of the same sassy girl band, but he’s in drag? Are you members of the same soccer team, but you’re in drag? If you answered yes to any of the above, read no further, because you’re all set. (Note: If you answered that you’re on a ship, then one of you may die. But don’t worry – your love story will be even more touching.)
RULE 2: Don’t let your job hold you back.
If you are a magazine assistant, subway token taker or even a hooker, you’re in prime position to find love. In fact, if you are a renowned playwright, successful restaurateur or CEO, meeting people will be harder because you won’t have as many zany adventures (see Rule 1). The best thing to do is choose a job that allows you to be present when your dream guy falls onto the railway tracks or loses his dog. If you must have a lucrative career, then at least be klutzy. Otherwise, you will have to engineer a corporate takeover or give up and move to the country to meet a man.
RULE 3: Beware the Best-Looking Guy Around (unless it’s Hugh Grant).
The Best-Looking Guy is the evil one. Remember that. Whisper it into a tape recorder and play the tape under your pillow while you sleep. The hot guy is only there to distract you from your steadfast roommate/confidant, friend’s brother (who is also unusually hot, but in a less prissy way) or the Guy You Knew All Along. Exception: If the hottest guy around is Hugh Grant, then he probably is the right guy for you and you just need to wait for him to realize it, which will result in a car chase and a proposal. Exception to the exception: If your name is Bridget Jones, jump to Rule 4.
Bradley Cooper and Julia Roberts play another of the movie's star-crossed couples.
RULE 4: Give the Annoying Guy a try (unless it’s Hugh Grant).
If a wisecracking Gerard Butler, a beer-swilling Josh Lucas or anyone named Mr. Darcy is lurking around your scene, go out with him. At first he will repulse you, but then you will realize that he is funny and smart and just really gets you. Exception: If the Annoying Guy is also the Best-Looking Guy Around, then go find Colin Firth.
RULE 5: If choosing between two guys, pick the more awkward one.
This rule requires the most insight. The right guy may not seem awkward. He might just be the more woodsy one. Or the one with messier hair. Or the one with fewer lines. Try out your instincts on these options: Bill Pullman or Tom Hanks? (Tom!) Kevin Costner or Mark Ruffalo? (Mark!) Patrick Dempsey or Josh Lucas? (Josh!) Alec Baldwin or Steve Martin? (Steve!) Bradley Cooper or Kevin Connolly? (Neither.)
RULE 6: If you have a boisterous Greek or Italian family, things will be fine.
The more embarrassing you find your family, the better. Your man will love their folksy advice and delicious food. Note that depending on the circumstances, gun-toting African-American grandmas and meddling Jewish grandmas can also be helpful. But Italians and Greeks are the Holy Grail.
RULE 7: Lying is okay if you sort of do it by accident.
You didn’t mean to tell his family you’re his fianc’e – but he’s in a coma, what does he care? You didn’t mean to tell your boss you were engaged to some guy you’ve only met once – but then your sassy friend convinced you to go along with it. Okay, you’ve never worked in financial journalism! Okay, the whole thing was a bet! And for goodness’ sake, how were you expected to explain – without speaking – that you live under the sea? Don’t worry about any of it. When you tell him, he’s going to be upset, but after a brief montage you’ll be together.
RULE 8: Don’t date your boss.
In fact, you should try not to date any guy with a job. You’d do best to restrict your pool to retired jewel thieves and guys who live off their Christmas jingle royalties. Your boss will either turn into a monster after your first date or turn out to like your sister better. The only way you can successfully meet a guy at work is if he is your rank or lower and you both work at the FBI, a greeting card company or a fancy restaurant. Or if you are the First Daughter and he is part of your Secret Service detail. (And even that last one can backfire.)
RULE 9: Giving your ex another chance never works.
The only reason to date your ex is to show yourself how much you have changed. Also, sometimes it’s good for comedy. But the movies teach us that romance is about moving on. Unless you have plucky twin girls who engineer your reunion with their dad. Then you should think about it.
RULE 10: Sleeping with your boyfriend’s brother works for everyone.
If you go home to your boyfriend’s house for Christmas and then you end up sleeping in his brother’s room and he ends up falling in love with Claire Danes, so be it. Experiences like this teach you that there really is someone for everyone, if everyone trades around enough. Similarly, if you are dating a guy who’s too old for you, feel free to give him up to your mother, who, if she is employed, should have the klutzy charm of Diane Keaton (see Rule 1). Stealing your sister’s boyfriend is ill-advised, but it might be the only way to get her to pay attention to that wedding-column writer she’s so obsessed with.
RULE 11: If you get two-timed, do something vengeful (unless you are British).
If you are American, you will feel better after you burn his clothes, spread a rumor he has herpes, or grease the bathroom floor while he is in the shower. Also, you might want to find a small-town sheriff with a hot body, have him help you get in shape, and then show up at a black-tie event looking better than everyone. If, however, you are from England, you should cry softly while listening to the Joni Mitchell album he gave you for Christmas (you thought you were getting a necklace!). Whatever your nationality, if you still love him, see if he’ll meet you in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge.
RULE 12: Cardinal Rule: Kids Are Wise.
When in doubt about your dating life, ask someone under 7 to explain it. These pint-size gurus have great instincts and your reliance on their advice shows that you Will Find Love After All. Unfortunately, Abigail Breslin is now too old to help you. But look for kids with big glasses and spiky blond hair, or, if none are present, get an adorably ill-behaved dog.
source: nydailynews.com